• Steve Mummery

20 funny lines for wedding speeches

Updated: Sep 16, 2020

Coming up with material for a wedding speech can be one of the hardest things to do. You don't want it to sound too "in" with jokes that only you and the groom, or you and the bride understand. You don't want it to be rude, as Grandma is there. You don't want it to be lame, because that's all everyone will talk about afterwards.... (in your head anyway).

So here are some good lines that will just about guarantee a laugh or two during your speech. The trick here though is to "make it your own", so look for ways to personalise them, or turn them into the way you speak.

Note: (name) can indicate yourself, the bride/groom, the couple as a whole, or another member of the bridal party.  

“Gosh, what an emotional day it’s been. Even the cake is in tiers.”

"The couple have requested that I don't share any embarrassing stories... so that's it from me! Thanks for listening!" (and walk off or sit back down)

"(Name), I love you so much, and I really hope you'll feel the same about me after you hear my speech."

"I just want to start by congratulating (previous speechgiver's Name) on their wonderful speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I couldn't follow a word of it."

"The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn't refuse again."

"Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history - it's the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!"

"(Name) and I share the same sense of humour so if you don't like my jokes, you can blame them!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and fortuitous and wonderful that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/photo booth."

"Where do I start with (Name)? They're kind, intelligent, gorgeous, charming... (directed at them) sorry, I'm having trouble reading your writing, you'll have to tell me the rest later."

"Loyal. Kind. Honest. Generous... That's enough about me, I'm here to talk about (Name)!"

"I'd like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I'm single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa."

"A few months ago, (Name) called me up and asked, 'What are your feelings on marriage?' I had to tell them that, while I was very flattered, I wasn't ready to settle down just yet."

"Hello everyone! I'm (Name). I'm sure you all know me as (Name's best friend/sister/mum/dad), but if you don't, well done on sneaking into the wedding unnoticed!"

"Before I begin, I must explain that, this morning, (Name) asked me to remove anything resembling innuendo from my speech. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to go through it again, but if I come across anything risqué, I'll whip it out immediately."

"(Name) knows that I'm a bit nervous about this speech, and they gave me some great advice. They said 'Don't try to be too charming, witty or intellectual... just be yourself!'"

"All of us gathered together in this room, we've got something really important in common - none of us have got a clue what I'm going to say next!"

"I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that's relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes - all of your cars have been stolen."

"I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I've attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent."

"I'd like to start by congratulating (Name) on their excellent taste in speechgivers."

"Before we start, can everybody do me a favour and get up off their seats? Now can everyone take one step backward, please? Now can everyone move one step to the right? And now can everyone move one step left? Thank you. Someone told me that the key to giving a good speech was to move people, but I think they must have been having me on, because that didn't really go that well."

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