What Exactly Is Grief?

Grief is the acute pain that accompanies loss. Because it is a reflection of what we love, it can feel all-encompassing. Grief is not limited to the loss of people, but when it follows the loss of a loved one, it may be compounded by feelings of guilt and confusion, especially if the relationship was a difficult one.

The Process Of Grief

Because grief obeys its own trajectory, there is no timetable for feelings of pain after loss; nor is it possible to avoid suffering altogether. In fact, attempts to suppress or deny grief are just as likely to prolong the process, while also demanding additional emotional effort.

Similarly, the misperception that “more” grief is better or that there is a proper way to grieve can make the process more difficult.

For some people, grief is a short-term phenomenon, also known as acute grief, although the pain may return unexpectedly at a later time. But other individuals may experience prolonged grief, also known as complicated grief, lasting months or years. Without help and support, such grief can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness.

5 Stages Of Grief - Steve Mummery Funeral Celebrant

Does everyone follow 5 stages of grief?

Many people expect to experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, in that order, due to the continuing influence of On Death and Dying, the 1969 book by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler- Ross. However, it has been demonstrated that many, if not most, people will not progress through these stages. While some people do experience the stages, and eventually reach acceptance after a loss, grief is now understood to be highly individualized and unpredictable.

What’s the difference between grief and depression?
Many of the symptoms of grief overlap with those of depression. There is sadness, and often the loss of capacity for pleasure; insomnia; and loss of interest in eating or taking care of oneself. But symptoms of grief tend to lessen over time, although they may be temporarily reactivated on anniversaries or when other reminders of a loss arise. While negative thoughts such as “life is unfair” and “I’ll never get over this” are part of the normal grieving process, it is important to prevent them from guiding your actions.

If you’re experiencing symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better.

Contact a grief counsellor or professional therapist if you:

Feel like life isn’t worth living;
Wish you had died with your loved one;
Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it;
Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks;
Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss Are unable to perform your normal daily activities.

Lifeline Number — Contact a grief counsellor or professional therapist if you:

Feel like life isn’t worth living;
Wish you had died with your loved one;
Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it;
Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks;
Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss Are unable to perform your normal daily activities.

The Grieving Process

Grieving is a highly individual experience; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.

Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

Steve Mummery Funeral Celebrant - Grieving Facts

Look after yourself. Find a balance between being alone and spending time with family and friends. Both are important in your time of grief. Take care of your physical health. Grieving can be exhausting so it is important to eat a healthy diet, exercise and sleep. Give yourself time out from the pain. Do things you enjoy, even if you don’t really feel like doing them. Try relaxation or meditation to help to manage stress and difficult emotions. Work towards getting back to your normal routine, work, social activities, sport etc. Don’t feel guilty about trying to get back to your life. It’s part of the process. Approach any drug and alcohol use with care. Substances can numb your feelings but they also make it harder to heal. If possible, avoid making any big decisions until you can think more clearly. Consider your spiritual beliefs and whether these can provide you comfort.

How To Deal With The Grieving Process

While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

Acknowledge your pain.
Accept that grief can trigger many different
and unexpected emotions.
Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically. Recognise the difference between grief and depression.

The Stages Of Grief

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

The Five Stages Of Grief

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me".

Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time.

However, not everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages - and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.

Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief:

““They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.””

— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Symptoms Of Grief

Instead of a series of stages, we might also think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.

While loss affects people in different ways, many of us experience the following symptoms when we’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal—including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious or spiritual beliefs.

Physical symptoms of grief

We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including:

Fatigue
Nausea
Lowered immunity
Weight loss or weight gain Aches and pains
Insomnia

Emotional Symptoms Of Grief

Shock and disbelief. Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.

Sadness. Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.

Guilt. You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.

Anger. Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.

Fear. A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

Handling Grief