How To Write A Eulogy
What Is The Meaning Of The Word “Eulogy”?
Literally translated, it’s the idea of giving the highest praise to someone or something. More commonly though, it’s the act of writing and delivering a speech at someone’s funeral that sums up their life.
In this guide you’ll find advice and suggestions on how to write a eulogy and where to begin.
What is a eulogy?
A eulogy, or funeral speech, is an opportunity to pay tribute to the person who has died, by giving a short speech about their life and what they meant to you. It’s regarded as an honour to be asked to give a eulogy for a loved one or friend and if you’ve been asked, a sign that you played an important part in that person’s life.
If you’re feeling anxious about the responsibility of getting it ‘right,’ remember that every eulogy is meant to be unique. Although there are guidelines you can follow, writing a eulogy is also about things that come from the heart.
What is the purpose of a eulogy?
The eulogy at a funeral is a way for someone who knew the person who has died well, to sum up their life, remind people who have come to mourn about the character of that person, and pay respect to them.
Why is a eulogy important?
Hearing a eulogy gives people a way of remembering the important parts of the person they’ve come to mourn. A well written eulogy should not only sum up a person’s life, character and impact, but if possible, it should shed light on less well known aspects of that person.
Who gives a eulogy at a funeral?
Usually the one chosen to give a eulogy at a funeral is someone close to the person who has died. Often children will give a eulogy at their parents funerals and husbands or wives will give a eulogy at their partners funerals.
Sometimes the occasion might be too overwhelming for the person closest to them to perform a eulogy, and they may ask the celebrant to give a eulogy in their place.
How do you write a eulogy?
To write an effective and fitting eulogy you will need to speak with relatives and loved ones of the person who has died, think about your own experiences with them, and give yourself time to write and edit down your eulogy to the most appropriate parts.
There’s no one size fits all approach to writing a eulogy. Every person is unique so every eulogy will be unique as well. You will have to think a lot about the type of person you are eulogising and how best to communicate that to the people who have come to mourn them.
How do you start writing a eulogy?
One of the best ways to begin writing a eulogy is to talk to family members and close friends about the person who has died. Is there anything that they would like you to include or mention, or a favourite anecdote or story they’d like you to share? You may also get inspiration from obituaries and tributes shared online and on social media.
What do you say in a eulogy?
To decide what you’re going to say in a eulogy, think of the things you’ve discovered and discussed that best remind you of the person you are eulogising. If you think that a certain story is the most appropriate, as someone close to the person who has died, you’re probably right. Your own and other people’s memories could not only provide things to talk about, but inspire a way of summing up at the beginning and end of the eulogy who they were and what they meant.
How Long Should A Eulogy Be?
Generally, a eulogy should be around ten minutes. As to how many words a eulogy should be, that may depend on how fast you deliver them. A funeral eulogy of between 1,300 written words will take around 10 minutes to speak. Some funeral venues allocate a specific period of time for a funeral. The funeral director would have advised you of this if it's the case.
What are some details to include when you are writing a eulogy?
The final decision of what to include will always come down to you. However, you may wish to include some, if not all, of the following:
When and where they were born
The names of their close family
Nicknames
Childhood and growing up years
School life and sporting achievements
Early working life and any military service
How they met their spouse or partner and marriage(s) Family life
Later working life and achievements Politics (optional)
Community and volunteer work Travel
Retirement activities
Grandchildren
Clubs and society memberships
Your thoughts and experiences with your loved one How your loved on affected others
Things your loved one loved and enjoyed Stories/fond memories of others with your loved one
Should you practise giving a eulogy?
Once you have determined what you want to say, it’s a good idea to practise giving your eulogy. Many people struggle with public speaking, so you are not alone. Read it out loud, either on your own or in front of a trusted friend or family member. It’s a good idea to time yourself so you have an idea of how long your eulogy will last and add or omit anything that will help keep it to a comfortable time.
When you’re giving a eulogy remember to:
Speak slowly. Everyone wants to hear the words you have prepared.
Pause for thought. There may be certain points in the eulogy that deserve a moment of silence for contemplation, or a particular story which makes the audience laugh.
Give people eye contact. This may be difficult, but if you mention a close family member by name you may want to scan the first row to make them feel included.
Try to stand still. It can be difficult not to fidget when you are nervous, but tapping fingers or feet can distract people from what you are saying.
SOMETIMES THEY SOUND LIKE A RESUME
It always depends on the person and the life they led, but sometimes a eulogy can sound a little bit like a resume of their life - and to a certain degree it is. However, in my experience, there is no need to put a grieving family member through such an ordeal. It is easier and less stressful on the family member for the celebrant to do the eulogy - and there is no right or wrong way here - in my experience, I do the eulogy about 50% of the time.
But many people still wish to stand to honour their loved one on the day? And so you should.
So how do you honour them?
I always feel that relaying personal stories about loved ones is the best way to honour them. By talking about and demonstrating their personality and traits, it will give great comfort to others grieving as they too will have similar stories about the person and will therefore relate to your stories. It doesn't matter whether they have heard them before (let's face it - the most legendary stories usually do the rounds with family and friends). It will give you great comfort to look around your friends and family and see their heads nodding and smiling.
You'll find it will actually make them easier to talk about as well as most legendary stories contain some sort of humorous side. Having said that, they don't have to be funny stories, they can also contain great acts of sacrifice, kindness, generosity, love and stoicism.
How do I get through it?
One tip I give to people is that if they have a rather harrowing part to get though, (whether it's in the eulogy or just talking about memories) try to follow it up with a lighthearted story. That way, as you are getting through the emotional part, in the back of your mind you know you have something that will make people smile to follow and it will help you get through.
It also reduces pressure on you if you have a sibling or partner stand with you as you read. If need be, they can take over, but usually just having them there will do the trick.
What if I know I can't do it from the start, but really want to honour the person?
This also is an easy fix and nothing you should stress about. After all, the loss of someone close is always going to be one of the most stressful moments in your life.
It is perfectly fine to write some words and have the celebrant say them to everyone. Just treat it like a love letter to the person. Tell them what they meant to you and how
much you will miss them.
If, after you've written it and it feels too personal, you don't have to have them read out at the ceremony, you can always have the letter buried or cremated with them and it will forever remain with just the two of you.
How To Create A Eulogy
The sections of your eulogy will depend on the person you are memorializing. Whether you are writing a eulogy for a mother or writing a eulogy for a father or someone else, you’ll want to make it personal. There may be specific parts of their life that you want to highlight, and other parts you may want to leave out or just touch on briefly. When considering the following eulogy outline, you may want to include additional sections while leaving others out. That’s perfectly okay. No two people are alike, so no two eulogies are alike.
Overall, your funeral eulogy should last no longer than 10 minutes. A short speech may give the impression that you didn’t put much thought or effort into writing the speech. If your funeral speech is much longer than 10 minutes, you’ll start to lose your audience’s attention. So, six to 10 minutes is usually a comfortable length for a eulogy.
There is room for variation when creating your outline. However, there are some basic elements—especially in the opening and the closing—that you’ll want to retain. And while you can move and alter the middle sections of your eulogy, you should retain a certain order to allow for a better, more impactful eulogy speech for your audience.
Once you’ve created your eulogy outline, you can begin to write each section. You don’t have to write each section in order. For example, you may want to write the middle section first. Then once a theme naturally rises, you’ll be able to write a stronger introduction and conclusion to your speech.
Let’s get started...
The First Section of a Eulogy
The opening section of your outline will be shorter than the main section, and it should cover several basics. First, you may want to start with a quote, poem, scripture or song lyric that was meaningful to your loved one. This opening can set the tone or theme for your speech. You may or may not know right away how you want to open your speech. If you don’t know what your opening will be yet, you will likely discover it during the research and writing process.
After your opening, you’ll want to specifically say who you are eulogizing. Give their full name along with any nicknames, maiden names, or other names they may have been known to those in attendance. Although most people will know how your loved one died, some may not. So, you may want to make a quick mention of how they passed away. If this is not a comfortable thing for you or if it is a sensitive subject, you may opt to skip it. Just be sure that the omission of this information won’t be more awkward than its inclusion.
Next, take a moment to mention who you are in relation to the deceased. Most people will probably know who you are. However, there are bound to be people in attendance whom you have never met, such as co- workers, distant relatives or people from his/her past. Then you will want to acknowledge those guests who were most important to the deceased: close family members, friends, co-workers, etc., as well as those who may have traveled to the funeral or memorial services from a great distance.
That’s it! That’s your introduction. You’re already part way there!
The Middle Section of the Eulogy
The middle section of the eulogy is the meat of your speech. And it’s where you’ll describe your loved one best, including stories, events, and accomplishments—just to name a few. This section will also be the longest section of your speech. You’ll want to be more detailed here by telling a few short stories about the life and experiences of the deceased as well as their effect on others (friends, family, co-workers, etc.).
Your stories can be serious and/or funny, or they may fall somewhere in between. There really aren’t any rules, except that you want to be tasteful when delivering a eulogy. This isn’t the time to reveal something shocking or less than desirable to a mixed crowd of people who are already dealing with their own grief. In addition, you don’t want to say anything that would embarrass the deceased (if they were sitting in the audience) or any other family members.
You’ve probably been asked or volunteered to write the eulogy because you may have been the closest person to your loved one. So, start by sharing some of your personal thoughts about the deceased and your experiences with him/her. You can talk about things that the deceased loved. And you can mention some fond memories and stories. These memories and stories can certainly be yours, but you may want to consider including the stories of others. Each person in attendance will have had different experiences with your loved one. So, their stories may depict different parts of your loved one and their personality.
You don’t have to follow a particular order in this section. But you may want to stick with a theme. So, if you are telling a chronological story, you’ll want to stay in the order of occurrences in his/her life. If you are highlighting parts of their life, you’ll want to group those stories together rather than bouncing from one subject to the next (e.g., childhood, marriage, family, work life, military, retirement, religion, volunteering, etc.).
The End Section of a Eulogy
The end section of your eulogy will probably be the shortest—usually a paragraph or two that sums up your speech and the person’s life. This is the best place to reiterate your theme and recall what you most want your loved one to be remembered for, or how your loved one wants to be remembered.
Thank those who attended. Be sure to say the deceased’s name again in the end section. And finally, you may want to close with a scripture passage, quote, song lyric or something else that was meaningful to your loved one.
For added gravitas, mix together the heavy with the light.
Yes, it’s a funeral, but you don’t want your eulogy to be too serious because that paradoxically detracts from the weightiness and poignancy of the event. To really appreciate the bitterness of a loved one’s death, you need to contrast it with the sweetness of those joyful and even light and funny moments of their life. So don’t be afraid to inject humor into your eulogy! Make your audience laugh.
A good barometer of the effectiveness of your eulogy is that the sounds of both joyous laughter and sad sniffling can be heard from the crowd. It means you had the right mixture of heavy and light.
Steve Mummery is a celebrant based in Perth who can officiate the celebration of a loved one's life.
Funerals don't need to be a morbid affair - its already sad enough.
Steve believes that a ceremony to celebrate the life of a loved one is how most people would prefer their own life be dealt with once they are gone.
It would be my honour to help you celebrate the life of your loved one.